To Obey or To Break ?

Why am I always the scumbag, the moron, the every imperfections in the watchers eyes . Perhaps I'm a joke, and could simply made a greater piece of rubbish compared to anyone else then, my apologies .

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Today I was questioned by a friend's survey, how old you hope to live until ? I answered 40-something . Shocked, she didn't let me to answer that .

She then ask me, what is your horoscope ?

Cancer .

Wha, the most emotional of all signs ? Err, what else, cautious, worrier, moody, touchy ..? Oh, cancer, this horoscope is my best match, you know ? Hahaha, don't get the wrong idea, I meant boys .

I don't know . Some will probably laugh at it, they always labelled me emotionless . But, hey, my heart is made up of no stones . I can feel sad, angry, anxious anytime . Why were human given 'emotions' in the first place ?

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To the two of you who are like my second and third mother :

I've listened to you guys, obeyed you guys, for almost 18 years . You guys said no, I stopped, you guys said yes, I made a step forward . You guys said that friend was a good-for-nothing, I ignored her right off the next day . You guys said money is hard to be earned, I used RM10 for per week that my friends called me stingy . You guys said food out there is expensive, I ate bread for every breakfast and lunch at home . You guys said animation was not the right choice and my mum is powerless as a mother, I wasted my SPM's 7A's over nothing, not taking law although I did well in sejarah, not doing form 6, did not leave those money for schooling my siblings, taking a course that is known useless to you all, I give you my sincerest apologies but no way in hell I'm doing law or anything else you guys wished . I told you guys I'm never good in socializing, you guys laughed and said it can be taught, I said I ain't sharp at all to be a lawyer, you guys said there are many types of lawyer . I told you guys interest matters, you guys said salary brings up interest . And I won't blame my mum for not stopping me if I happened to fail in life . I know it's myself to be blamed .

I've always envied those who did greatly in Maths and Science related . I've always sulked of how I'm actually given a passion in something the society do not approve . Why not give me some passion for accounting instead ? Engineering isn't bad too . I didn't wish for it, you know, as if I could choose what I'm passionate about, then everyone could've chosen science since these careers are much stable .

I know you meant no harm, but it was you guys that promised to respect my choice and told me to follow my interest, but what's with the "Why you'd let your daughter to take the course ? So powerless as a mum, I will never let my daughter take those type of courses ." Where your promises went ? Since January you've always persuaded my mum to force me to enter form 6 and do law, because it's free ? I am wordless whenever you guys scolded me or blamed my mum for spoiling me or being so obsessive over free stuffs . It's sickening . Form 6 requires a lot of effort, and sorry, I can't put enough effort into something that I disliked .

Mother no.3, aren't you the one spoiling your son ? 21 year old, starting over on new course because previous one was boring ? A normal 21 could've almost done with diploma or almost graduating, yet he just started ? A 21 year old that rely mum on anything and spends mum's money like there's no tomorrow ? I know he's got a good result, he could apply for scholarships easily, but no one is perfect .

Sorry, I know all that were good intentions, but I hope you guys will stop interfering and leave me some respect and space to show that I ain't worthless . I will be responsible of my own future, and sorry, mum, if I can't offer you better life in years ahead, can't bring you to check-ups monthly or travel annually, I'm sorry .

Celia, work harder in the college and prove the audiences wrong . Sorry for typing too much and thank you if you happened to read it .