To Obey or To Break ?

Why am I always the scumbag, the moron, the every imperfections in the watchers eyes . Perhaps I'm a joke, and could simply made a greater piece of rubbish compared to anyone else then, my apologies .

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Today I was questioned by a friend's survey, how old you hope to live until ? I answered 40-something . Shocked, she didn't let me to answer that .

She then ask me, what is your horoscope ?

Cancer .

Wha, the most emotional of all signs ? Err, what else, cautious, worrier, moody, touchy ..? Oh, cancer, this horoscope is my best match, you know ? Hahaha, don't get the wrong idea, I meant boys .

I don't know . Some will probably laugh at it, they always labelled me emotionless . But, hey, my heart is made up of no stones . I can feel sad, angry, anxious anytime . Why were human given 'emotions' in the first place ?

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To the two of you who are like my second and third mother :

I've listened to you guys, obeyed you guys, for almost 18 years . You guys said no, I stopped, you guys said yes, I made a step forward . You guys said that friend was a good-for-nothing, I ignored her right off the next day . You guys said money is hard to be earned, I used RM10 for per week that my friends called me stingy . You guys said food out there is expensive, I ate bread for every breakfast and lunch at home . You guys said animation was not the right choice and my mum is powerless as a mother, I wasted my SPM's 7A's over nothing, not taking law although I did well in sejarah, not doing form 6, did not leave those money for schooling my siblings, taking a course that is known useless to you all, I give you my sincerest apologies but no way in hell I'm doing law or anything else you guys wished . I told you guys I'm never good in socializing, you guys laughed and said it can be taught, I said I ain't sharp at all to be a lawyer, you guys said there are many types of lawyer . I told you guys interest matters, you guys said salary brings up interest . And I won't blame my mum for not stopping me if I happened to fail in life . I know it's myself to be blamed .

I've always envied those who did greatly in Maths and Science related . I've always sulked of how I'm actually given a passion in something the society do not approve . Why not give me some passion for accounting instead ? Engineering isn't bad too . I didn't wish for it, you know, as if I could choose what I'm passionate about, then everyone could've chosen science since these careers are much stable .

I know you meant no harm, but it was you guys that promised to respect my choice and told me to follow my interest, but what's with the "Why you'd let your daughter to take the course ? So powerless as a mum, I will never let my daughter take those type of courses ." Where your promises went ? Since January you've always persuaded my mum to force me to enter form 6 and do law, because it's free ? I am wordless whenever you guys scolded me or blamed my mum for spoiling me or being so obsessive over free stuffs . It's sickening . Form 6 requires a lot of effort, and sorry, I can't put enough effort into something that I disliked .

Mother no.3, aren't you the one spoiling your son ? 21 year old, starting over on new course because previous one was boring ? A normal 21 could've almost done with diploma or almost graduating, yet he just started ? A 21 year old that rely mum on anything and spends mum's money like there's no tomorrow ? I know he's got a good result, he could apply for scholarships easily, but no one is perfect .

Sorry, I know all that were good intentions, but I hope you guys will stop interfering and leave me some respect and space to show that I ain't worthless . I will be responsible of my own future, and sorry, mum, if I can't offer you better life in years ahead, can't bring you to check-ups monthly or travel annually, I'm sorry .

Celia, work harder in the college and prove the audiences wrong . Sorry for typing too much and thank you if you happened to read it .

坏了

左脚血管太多 打结了。。
必须住院治疗。这些无人陪伴的日子 它是如此空虚 ,怵 ,愁 。
最近一直在下雨 心情有点阴沉 。有点想家 。
已经第3天了 我什么时才候能回家 ？好饿 医院有点可怕 。我必须独自留在这里吗 ？
医生都跑去哪了 不是说了打支针 多隔一天就能会家了吗 ？
干嘛 一天比一天的久 搞得时间好慢长 。

Annoyance

Today we were called to return to Bangsar for Fathers Day in advance . Bangsar, the place where I scared of most, also the place I despised . That's where my father sides relative lived, that's where we used to live when I was still a baby . Unfriendly looking buildings, big dogs, everything of this place give off an unwelcoming phenomena .

We reached there 10.30 a.m as called . My brothers and parents were enjoying their time, of course . Not me . There was no entertainment there . TV was on with old movies, laptops were used by my brothers and cousins . I just stared into the spaces with my mind runs wild .

Hours later my aunty came, believe me, her daughters are the most annoying things, in fact they are a pain on my ass . "I hated CNY because these people are noisy ." "I bought this handbag for how many k's ." "My glasses worthed how many k ." "We just came back from bla bla, and it was cheap, we bought bla bla for how many k's, worthed it and bla bla ." "I have 1k of pocket money per week and we eat bla bla for teatime ." "Oh, our gardener is impressive ! As well as our chef ." "Oh, don't worry we have drivers all the time . " "My private tutor actually costed bla bla ." "I'm learning digital painting outside with the fees of bla bla . I'm learning 124896103 languages and 12394723 dances and singing . " Bla bla bla bla .

SHUT UP . JUST SHUT UP . YOU ARE SO ANNOYING AND IT'S RIPPING MY BRAIN OFF .

SOMEBODY SHOULD'VE JUST KIDNAP YOU FOR MAKING WORLD A BETTER PLACE .

And, hello ? Do you have any respect for the elders ? I'm gonna grab back the old issues back to CNY . The aircond ran out of gas . Also, our dining table is a little too small for fitting in all of us, for that reason we were divided into 2 tables, one for adults and one for us, the younger ones which was less well-served . And who the hell are them to sit on the table for adults and make my mom and aunty-in-law to sit with us ? And what's with all the 4 fans facing at you guys ? Not even 1 for us ? What the hell . I know you are rich, but aren't you taught any manners ? What's with all the body guards or drivers when you supposed to have someone to teach you the basic of humanity . And shut your face off , I don't even care what type of handbags you have or how much your father earns . Don't say, "They're noisy . I don't like it . ", while rolling your eyes . We don't like you two neither, but at least, leave some respect for the elders . You guys are pathetic, know that ?

Their mom asked about my interest in drawing, actually all of us knew their mom has no other difference compared to her daughters . She started to blob out everything about her daughters' temporary interest for drawing and sent them for expensive classes . Nothing was wrong, but something was itching inside my heart that moment . I wanted to show them that I could do better than them in the future without expensive tutoring . I wanted to show them that even self-taught can be better than tutored . I hope I could . By that time, I would've just smile to myself and say , " IN YOUR FACE . "